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Andy Chorley Reports

Jag lost the coin flip and despite his best efforts to ingratiate himself with the Ascot skipper returned to his band of warriors to declare “we are fielding”. This was met with 9 groans and 1 Bermudian squeak of delight. The skipper really is a very poor but prolific tosser and needs to work on this aspect of his game in the off season.

The Bermudian Bean started poorly throwing down 5 wides down the leg side to get Ascot off to the ideal start. However the last three weeks of the season have seen the return to form of the big train conductor and he got to his final destination with figures of 2-14. The old ticket collector was ably supported by the impressive Mubarak who bowled a tight but fruitless off stump line during his first spell. However the left armed  apprentice returned at the backend of the innings to finish with a well deserved 2-34.

Smith replaced Omar and removed the dangerous looking Mallet for 9. As he has done all season Gorgeous George bowled a disciplined tight line outside of the off – His Captain’s literary Dream signed off his summer with the ball, 1-29. Brooker meanwhile had drawn the short straw of the short boundary at the Castle End.

However despite the best attempts of the Ascot middle order to take advantage of the perilous Tom’s skipper had placed his average in, Windsor’s only Amish Lifeguard held his nerve and

bowled a solid spell ending with figures of 2-48, helped by a switching of sides. Brooker who has toiled well in the hardest parts of the innings all season, showing why he has been trusted to do the dirty work.

Windsor were ticking on nicely their fielding led by the ever youthful, human hoover Alex Hill. Tazzer sets a high standard and for while his team mates mirrored his effervescent performance. However out of nowhere the façade of competence was broken by a disastrous piece of fielding muntfuckery which saw the non-striking Batsman barbeque himself only to be whipped off the flames at the last minute as Bean lobbed the ball over the head of Captain Jag allowing the fortunate Burger of Ascot to get back to his ground.

Whilst all of this was going on unknown to the Skipper the wheels of captaincy were wobbling, again…

Throughout the season Barbra hah had an issue with the following cricketing riddle. 40 overs / 8 overs per player = 5 Bowlers, but one has to bowl both ends. This sphinx-esque conundrum has troubled Jag several times.

If you only want to use 5 bowlers you have to master the art of shuffling. Jag only wanted to use 5 bowlers; he just doesn’t know how to shuffle… And so despite the repeated prompting of his senior players that he was cocking it up again he was happy to leave himself to bowl the last 4 overs of the Ascot innings, having correctly identified one end but leaving 2 short of the other. Fortunately the majestic Vinay Vasita was on hand, bowling his first spell of the summer, to be the sixth man and deal his skipper out of trouble taking the final wicket of the innings – Ascot closing on 165, with the help of some generous wides that were the source of much contention between the sides.

So 166 to win and guarantee Windsor third place in the ladder, on a small pitch and decent deck. Simples…..

At 12-0 it looked simple – Windsor were cruising. At 18-4 the ship was in trouble, again.

What happened you may ask? Well, come take a seat on Uncle Chuckle’s knee and I’ll tell you.

1. Nobsey was out stumped wandering around out of his ground when the stumps were

broken – Clueless

2. Chuckles missed another straight one – Unsatisfactory

3. Wally played on the back foot on a Windsor deck and was (unsurprisingly) bowled – Naive

4. Taz LBW – Unfortunate

Nobsey was in shock and the air around the Windsor bubble was so blue profanity that Old Ladies and Children were running for the lifeboats. Noble who uncharacteristically lost his temper, swiftly apologised, reminding us that in 700 games he had never seen red other than the ball. It was poor old Vinay who had to do the dirty on Rob, one week after having been called a cheat by Reading, had to contend with the ire of his own batsman this week.

It must be said, for as much as Windsor has been the victim of fell umpiring, and despite the mutterings of retribution in the ranks, the guys have been unshakably loyal to integrity when umpiring and that has been the source of much pride.

In short it looked like the good ship Windsor was about to have its own Titanic moment and sink without a trace into the depths.

However Kashif Malik and Vinay steadied the listing Windsor boat, and through fine stroke play guided Windsor to 92 before Kashif was bowled for a hard grafted 27. Vasita followed a little after for 41, bowled by Parry.

Vinay who really needed a knock having been on 2 golden ducks coming into the game showed how mental discipline and a bit of class can help you over come. Vinay was also keen to credit Kashif for keeping his head focussed on the task throughout.

And, as it has on a number of occasions this year, it was left to Smith and Bhabra to man the bilge pumps and get Windsor to port. The pair muscled the total along to 153 before Bhabra inexplicably walked after being bowled by what was adjudged by Umpire Chorley to be a waist high no-ball. Bhabra, who all season has been putting out fires between sides, saw an opportunity to quell the flames. Chuckles, who had very unfairly been taking stick from Ascot, who failed to understand that just if it hits the pad doesn’t mean it’s out, and was unjustly being labelled a cheat. However, Chorley did get one wrong, and the opposition erupted which gave Jag little option but to walk with 8 needed. Bhabra leaving on 31 off 23.

This gentlemanly act left Omar and George to dock the innings and seal Windsor’s sixth win of the campaign, George closing off the season with a huge six, witnessed by the two other windsor home teams, supporting the final fixture to finish. Smith ending his summer, still playing with his hair on fire; 35* off 21.

Windsor finished 3rd in the table, 1 (contentious) win off top. [Edit: Windsor were promoted on a revised table]

Onto 2021!


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